The story

So, you want to kill yourself. 

If you really want to do it, give this book a chance. 

The only thing you’ll need to do is read every chapter and try to do what it says. 

I mean, what do you have to lose? You'll kill yourself. So why not just do this before you commit? 

Don’t do it for a bit. Wait until you have read this whole book. It may take some time but do it for me. 

You'll have quests to do if you'll commit to reading this book. 

I highly recommend you reading this. I think this book would have helped me when I have/had my suicidal thoughts. 

I know you can't do completely everything that will be requested by this book. Just like sometimes the seasons don’t let you, your financial status or allergies let you do what you want. 

But everything you can do-do it. 

Promise me and yourself you’ll do everything that you can from here and you’ll stay until the end of this book. 

Don’t be scared- the things won't be hard to do and if you’re not able to do them it’s okay. 

If this book is finished by the time you are reading it and in the middle of it, you quit- decide it’s just better to take your life away, please, please, just please read at least the last chapter “∞”.  

And if this book isn’t finished by that time, please stick to reading until it is. 

Now, pinkie promise me and yourself that you’ do everything you can and read every chapter of this book. 

Literally. 

Get both of your pinkies out and pinkie promise. (Send a picture-if you know me personally) 

Your first quest: completely commit to this book. 

What do you have to lose? 

Your second quest is to write all of the reasons why you want to do it, with full detail on a piece of paper. 

Or write everything you have felt since the moment you started going downhill. 

Write a letter like it’s to a friend. 

Then burn it. 

Tell someone.  

I know you want to say no to this. 

But tell someone. It doesn’t have to be a friend; it doesn’t have to be a family member. 

Tell a complete stranger if you want, you don’t even have to tell the full story or tell any details. 

Find a random person in the street. Find a random person on the internet. Anywhere. Anyone. 

Your quest is just to tell someone. 

Lately I've noticed a lot of people saying to no to this, remember, I am in no way pressuring you to do this. At the start I said, “everything you can do-do it.” If you really can’t do this, I understand, but believe me, the first few times I did it, I hated the reactions but the more I did it, the more I found the real people who cared for me. Good luck! 

Eat a food you haven’t tried before. 

Your quest: try a new food. 

Laugh until it hurts o you cry. Either by being with a funny friend, a funny person or watching a comedy movie, or filming yourself doing something funny then watching it, or by putting on a funny vine compilation, or by watching funny videos on YouTube.  

“That’s not possible.” 

Well at least try. Do all of those things that I just listed and at least try to laugh. 

Your quest is to laugh until it hurts or until you cry. 

(Something that always gets me- Markipliers friend videos, cards against humanity or any others.)  

Buy a really soft blanket, the softest you can find. Really, really soft.  

Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? 

Your quest is to find the softest blanket you can imagine.  

Sit on your balcony or a rooftop at night. 

Choose a night that you just can’t get to sleep. 

Or maybe you just don’t want to sleep. 

Watch the stars. 

Daydream while watching them. 

Your quest is to sit on a balcony or a rooftop at night and watch the stars in pure silence. 

Pet a dog or a cat. 

That's it, that’s your quest. 

Get a cactus or a succulent. 

If you already have one, get a new one to add to the family. 

Go outside when it’s dark and make a fire.  

Be careful. 

Sit by it and watch the fire. 

(Be careful, only do it in places you can.) 

Your quest is to sit by a firepit 

Make a hot cocoa, find a recipe online that looks the most yummy. 

Your quest: make hot chocolate. 

Read a new book. 

That's your quest. 

My recommendation: All the bright places by Jennifer Niven. 

Re-read your favourite book (if you have one.) 

Watch (or re-watch) all of these movies (don’t worry, you can stop watching them if they turn out boring to you.)  

-It’s kind of a funny story. 

-Lilo & Stitch. 

-Big Hero 6. 

-The kings of summer. 

-Charlie Bartlett. 

Cook something you’ve never cooked before. 

Cookies, cupcakes, omelette. Anything. 

It doesn’t have to be something hard. 

Your quest is to try a new recipe you’ll have to find. 

Get some dog or cat food and feed stray dogs or cats. 

An alternative to this is feeding dogs and cats at the animal shelter. 

Your quest is to save some animals. 

Paint or draw. 

Use anything: acrylic paints, pencils, markers, anything. 

And draw what you feel. 

Even if you’re feeling numbness and nothing- you have to find a way to draw it. It's possible. 

And when it turns out horrible- remember that it has to turn out like that. 

Because art is not perfect, just like your feelings. 

Your quest is art. 

Listen to music you’ve never listened to before. 

My recommendations- Limp Bizkit/ behind blue eyes, The 1975 or Faouzia. 

Make a cuppa tea, or coffee, of cocoa. Whichever you like the most. And drink it with cookies, while wrapped up in a blanket or soft jumper. 

That’s your quest. 

Get into someone else’s life. 

It doesn’t have to be a person near you, it can be a youtuber or something like that. 

My tip: Tessa Violet, Melanie Murphy and Buzzfeed unsolved are easy to get into. 

Imagine you are not suicidal, 

Imagine everything is the same, but you completely don’t want to kill yourself. 

Now, take a piece of paper and answer these questions as the non-suicidal you: 

-What are your dreams? 

-What are your life goals? 

-What are your passions? 

-What do you want to do in the near future? 

-What’s on your bucket list? 

Watch the sunset. 

That’s the quest. 

Watch the sunrise. 

That simple. 

The next quest is to find your childhood photos. 

Look at them. 

Think about everyone of them. 

Remember every single memory. 

Revel in nostalgia.  

Sing something with as much passion as you can. 

That's your quest. 

My tip- Any Lauren Jauregui songs. 

Get some new clothes that you’re completely confident in and that you like how they look on you.  

(Tips and tricks: study what colours go with different skin tones; what colour looks best on you. When you wear clothes that go great with your complexion, you’ll feel much more confident in them.) 

Then rock it outside. 

Or 

Find your favourite piece of clothing that you love and rock it outside. 

Your quest is to slay. 

Buy a face mask- no not the ones for covid, the pamper ones (the animal ones are super funny to put on) and get a bath bomb and take the best smelling bath you have ever had. 

(Or an alternative version: buy the products you need to make a bath bomb, watch some tutorials and make your own) 

Try hard not to think of anything and try to relax as much as you can. 

Your quest is to have a spa day. 

Go outside for a walk. 

Smile at exactly 10 people. 

Your quest: make a person's day better. 

Dance! 

Okay, I know how hard this one can be. 

Even if you’re alone it might feel really awkward and weird to dance. Maybe you don’t even like dancing.  

But I don’t care. 

Dance.  

To a song that really turns you on, that makes your blood rush. 

If you feel awfully awkward the first time, that's okay, do it until you feel okay with dancing. 

Your quest: lose yourself. 

Go for a walk and find a really calm spot. 

Make it your spot. 

The quest is to go out and find your escape place. 

Talk to someone new. A stranger on the internet. 

You can go on Omegle, on penpal finding websites on Tumblr (findteenpenpals.tumblr.com), use the app “bottled”, write to a mutual on Instagram, TikTok, anything. 

Your quest: find a new internet friend. 

A very simple quest. 

Eat your favourite meal. 

Another easy quest for you. 

Re-watch your favourite movies. 

Make yourself a picnic. 

Or even better: have a picnic with refreshing, non-toxic people. 

But if you don’t have these kind of friends, make yourself a picnic and have it at a place that is relaxing and has a pretty view by yourself. 

Your quest is to make yourself a delicious picnic. 

Sing your favourite song. 

Just another simple quest. 

Donate. 

This can be money to charity, clothes to people who need them more, hair for wigs, for kids that suffer with cancer, toy to kids who’s parent’s aren’t able to afford them, dog or cat food for animal shelters. 

Anything.  

The quest: help someone. 

Your quest is to make a play list of your favourite songs and listen through it all (without skipping any!) 

Take a long hot shower. 

(Or if the weather’s terribly hot, take a long cold shower.) 

Your quest: take a long shower. 

Find a place where people normally don’t go to, for example, somewhere in the forest or any other place where people aren’t there at the moment of you completing this task. 

Think about every little thing that boils your blood, that makes you anxious, depressed or angry. 

And scream. 

Scream all of the feelings out. 

Scream your lungs out. 

Your quest is to go to an open area and scream. 

Your quest is to think ‘YOLO’ even though is sounds really cheesy and do something wild and what you’ve always wanted to do. 

Spray paint. 

(Just try to spray paint ruins or abandoned houses, don’t get into trouble.) 

The quest: be a rebel for once. 

For a week, practice self-love. That’s your quest. 

This will mean Zero! Self-depreciating jokes, no “I hate myself”, “God I wished I died”, “I’m such an idiot” None of it.  

Stop saying and thinking those things to yourself. 

For one week. 

This is a strange quest but you’ll do it. 

Look at flowers. 

Smell flowers. 

And you should even make a flower crown out of them. 

On this self-love week, go to a mirror one evening and look at yourself. 

Find your best feature, things you love the most about yourself.  

Be in touch with your reflection, know that this is you and you should be proud of it. Someone, someday will fall in love with that face and so you should too. 

Your quest: realise that you’re goddamn beautiful and/or handsome. 

Your quest: read this, 

Somebody loves you. If no-one loves you, I love you. 

That means there’s always someone who loves you. 

And even if you think no-one cares, someone does, somewhere. Someone wants to help you and listen to you. You have to find them. 

Think. 

Think about what you felt while doing all those quests. 

Did you feel and joy doing any of these?  

Think about if your mind changed at least a bit. 

Think about everything, make a summary. 

So, you are at the end of this book. 

 Did you do everything I asked you to? Or at least tried to do it? 

 If not, I hope you go back to those chapters and do it. 

 I can’t make you love life, but of course, I can try, and I did. 

Remember, if you commit suicide… 

 You’ll never be able to feel the pleasing feeling of laughing until you cry. 

 You’ll never be able to see the beautiful moon and stars in the night sky. And you wont ever be able to see things like the northern lights with your own eyes. 

 You’ll never smell the scents of life: the smell of rain, the smell of new books, the smell of your lover’s perfume on a jacket you borrowed from them, the smell of a friend’s or family member’s cooking, the smell of the forest accompanied by the nature sounds. 

 You’ll never hear the new music that your favourite artists and bands will produce. I bet it will be their best work. 

 You’ll never be able to stare at someone’s eyes which you’ll think are more beautiful than anything you’ve ever seen. 

 You’ll never be able to help anyone else. You won’t be able to donate money, clothes, food or help anyone verbally. By only staying alive, you will make everyone’s lives better. 

 You’ll never experience a true, genuine smile and happiness that you didn’t have to fake. 

 You’ll never taste any sweet or sour food or anything that you think is super yummy. And you won’t find a new favourite food, because you won’t be able to try any new food. 

 You’ll never drink your favourite drink or try anything new. 

 You’ll never be able to see new movies or hear new songs or read new books that become your favourite ones. And you won’t be able to enjoy your current ones. 

 You’re still yet to find a person that will save your life just by being in it. 

 Without you there will be 2 hands less in this world to pet dogs or cats. 

 You’ll never completely relax after a long day and taking a hot shower or a soothing bath ever again. 

 You’ll never make someone else’s life better by just smiling at them or saying a compliment. 

 You’ll never be able to grow old and be a badass elder who tells everyone cool stories and has the time of their life. 

 You’ll never look at, smell or have beautiful flowers. 

 You won't be able to take care of a pet, a plant or a person. 

 You’ll never be able to kiss someone in the rain, dance in the rain, laugh in the rain. 

 You’ll never be able to achieve the goals and dreams your non-suicidal-self wrote down. 

 You’ll never be able to decorate your room by your mood. 

 You’ll never completely fall in love with your image if you kill yourself now, you’ll never experience the joy or self-love. 

 That’s what life is offering you. 

 That’s what you can feel and will experience if you choose not to die. 

 Did you ever have the question “why the fuck is someone doing something so stupid like this?”  

 Well, I have an answer for you. 

 When I was suicidal, I didn’t have people, nor anything else. 

 I tried calling numbers, I tried countless online therapy sessions and counselling. 

 I needed something that could help me in the way I needed it to. I tried to find anything through YouTube, through google, through social media… but there was nothing there that could help me. 

 Long story short, the depressive episode ended with people coming to save me. 

 But there are people who will never have anyone to save them. They’ll go through things like this, trying to find something, anything to help them, and they’ll end up finding nothing. Just like I did. And I would have committed if I wouldn’t of gained support from certain people. 

 And some of you won’t get that support, I was lucky to randomly get it. That’s why I wanted to help those who won’t. 

 Basically, I made a book that would help me when I was feeling suicidal, and I made it for all you too. 

 It’s not one of those “oh no, what about your family lol” kind of things, it’s something to feel life again. 

  
Something to make you eager to live, to experience simple joys of life and new activities, not something to make you live out of pity for your family and friends. 

 And that may not have worked, 

But at least I tried. 

  I can’t save you. Only you can save yourself, but I tried to help. 

 If I didn’t, I’m sorry. 

 If you read through this whole book, every little thing you did was a small step closer to living and a small step further from dying. If you enjoyed at least one experience out of the 50 or so quests that were given to you, that just may be your reason to stay alive. Those quests are a reminder of the reasons to live. 

  
I want you to be alive. 

I love you. 

Stay alive. 

-Katie Robinson 

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